I can feel the depression getting worse again. I woke up at 4pm yesterday and laid in bed before getting forced out by mom to eat something. Last night I tried to distract myself by playing Spore and Shapez until 5am, but the moment I looked away from the screen the tears started welling up. It felt like I was choking on my own dread and loneliness. "Im sorry about the other two"

THE FUCKING AUDACITY OF THIS MAN. Since then, I've avoided starting conversations with him over text. Some part because I'm still angry and petty about it, but also because I'm scared that this'll happen again. If I want to talk with him, but he doesn't want to, he's going to feel obliged to speak to me or he's going to blow me off again and it'll be my fault for being clingy or overbearing. I just want to catch up with a friend, to see how his day went, but if he's already feeling overwhelmed by other things, the last thing I want to be is an extra burden so I've been avoiding sparking a conversation. I reasoned to myself if that he wanted to chat with me, I'd make myself available, but I wouldn't force a conversation on him.
The first time we had a full length conversation since I confronted him was yesterday :/ It had been almost a week since we spoke at length. I won't lie and say that this doesn't sting a little. We used to speak everyday, or at least check up on each other before going to bed, but now I'm a "talk-to-once-a-week" kind of guy. It makes me really sad and it's definitely exacerbating my sense of loneliness. If someone I consider one of my closest friends appears to resent talking to me, I'm going to feel shit about it. That combined with my cripplingly low self-esteem makes me dread hanging out with him because what if he's sick of me and hates hanging out with me and is only doing it to keep appearances and is secretly building resentment against me. You, too, would avoid talking to and hanging out with people if you believed that one more conversation with you is enough to make them finally crack and explode at you for being clingy and needy.

This is all worsened by the fact that my depression is getting worse very rapidly. The weather is nice, I'm not lacking in any physical needs, I don't have any deadlines, but there's this weight in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. It feels like a black hole is slowly ripping away at my insides, parts of me just swirling into the void never to be seen again. I even finally cracked and drank alcohol when sad when I swore I wouldn't do that again. "It sets a dangerous precedent" I said, but it's easier said than done to adhere to promises made in more ideal circumstances.
The last time the depression got like this was in the weeks preceding my suicide attempt, so you can imagine how terrifying it feels to know it's starting again. I don't if I can survive it this time around. The person I turned to in my desperate moment of need has become someone that holds me at an arms-length. If I don't call or text beforehand, if I don't raise any alarm bells, I could end it all in a matter of moments. No one would notice until there wasn't anything left to do, but identify the body and move on.
This is made more dangerous by the fact that I've become a high-functioning depressive. For some unknown reason, I still act and behave mostly like myself around people. You wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong beyond the odd sleeping hours. It makes me feel like a fraud. If I truly were sad, everyone would be aware of it all the time. But no one else is around when I spontaneously burst into tears and bury my head into my hands. 

Good thing I'm headed for the psych ward in 2 weeks.

 Trying to wrangle in the self loathing thoughts when I mess up and hurt my friends is like trying to tame a wild horse who's never see a human before. Like everytime I think of it, I have to forcibly yank the mental rope I have to prevent myself from spiralling. Is this a healthy mindset? Like I'm not letting my self loathing take active root in my mind, but also feels like I'm having to constantly quash down how I feel about something which sounds like repression.
Eh, a small price to pay to not be seen as a whiny, oversensitive little bitch that can't handle the tiniest amount of pushback. As I'm typing this, I literally just remembered that I have RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria). Ohhhhh so that's why I'm such a bitch and annoying to talk to ohhhh. But yeah, the version of myself that I present during times of conflict was filtered through several layers of "that's selfish, don't say that", "that's a childish response" and "you overdramatic bitch, it's not that deep". Because though my outward responses may be reasonable and measured, inside my head I'm kicking and screaming and cursing at them for hurting me, even if I hurt them first.
I'm not proud that this is my thought process. I wish I could easily just think and do the right, mature thing, instead of having to squeeze and refine the answer from my pile of steaming bullshit that my brain cooks up. It makes me feel like a child masquerading as an adult. Instead of easily being able to think the right thing, I have to basically beat my brain into submission so that I don't make a fool of myself. I've been struggling a lot with that recently. Thinking childishly isn't a crime. Thinking selfishly isn't a crime. But even if I do the right thing in the end, I still admonish myself for not being able to do the right thing automatically. If I can't think like a good person, then obviously I'm a bad person that's pretending to be a good person. I'm doing good things, but I'm reluctant to do so, therefore I need to be burned at the stake. 
Now I want to say that I understand that line of thinking is irrational, that doing good deeds even if you had to convince yourself into it is fine, but the idea of thought-crimes has embedded itself pretty far into my psyche. Thanks a lot, puritanical internet :/

Oh Jesus, I still haven't expanded on the so-called repression yet. So, is it repression if you know it's stupid and irrational? Like brains cook up some bullshit all the time. Not every thought needs to be verbalised and analysed like it reveals some deeper part of my subconscious. I think lending credence to every half-baked idea that exits the folds of my frontal lobe seems like a recipe for disaster, especially for my reputation. I think some shitty things sometimes, does that make me a shitty person? If I don't act on it, I suppose no? But what if I hold onto that idea in my mind subconsciously and it affects my conscious decisions without me knowing? Then I am a shitty person because I didn't unpack that fully? But I have so many of those thoughts all the time, I'd never be able to analyse all of it in my lifetime. 
However, I digress. I think one of the issues I have with this idea that I need to be "truthful to myself" all the time. Specifically F used to really enforce it when I was going through a Bad™ time which I don't appreciate. I was already struggling with my thoughts and now I had my two best friends from university dangling their friendship over my head if I didn't tell them every batshit thought I had and then proceeded to judge me for said thoughts like they were my actual beliefs. So obviously, didn't make my situation feel any better. Truthfully, I still resent them for that because wtf was it for. 'Oh it was for your own good if you don't repress yourself' Yeah, but it wasn't repression, I wasn't quashing down fully-formed thoughts and opinions on the world, I was throwing out all the selfish, childish answers that don't represent me as a person.
So now I struggle with the idea of repression and if I do it. When I'm wrangling in my self loathing, is that me repressing how I truly feel about myself or should I embrace the self hatred because it's what I "instinctively felt". We'll see what the psychiatrist says when I go the psych hospital in a couple weeks. Yay. 

 Good news, my depressive episodes are not long, drawn-out days where I cry in bed all day anymore! :D
Bad news, they've been replaced by days of complete emotional bluntness. So instead of feeling things very deeply and letting them eat me up from the inside out, I feel nothing at all. Improvement...?
The problem is that the latter isn't nearly as obvious which means I come off as harsh or unfeeling, which rubs people the wrong way and makes me awkward to interact with. When someone has tears in their eyes and can articulate why they're openly sobbing, weirdly enough that makes them easier to work with because then at least you can provide some comforting words or hugs. But when someone is staring blankly at you like this 😐 and can provide no explanation to why than "just tired ig", you'll want to avoid them because what else is there to do? Being around them sucks, they have no energy to play into jokes or make their own, they're just boring to be around.
So that's my predicament, I'm not openly depressed anymore but the depression hasn't gone away, it's only adopted a more subtle, insidious form.

In a similar vein, F and I recently had a conversation relating to my numbness. He's spoken openly to me about how he dislikes when I'm in one of these slumps because I become something akin to a zombie and when he looks at me, he doesn't see "me". I get it, I feel like I'm puppeting my own body around behind a screen when I'm like that too, but knowing that others can see through the blank smiles makes me uneasy. You're not meant to be back here.
But what else am I supposed to do? I don't know why I slip into the slumps. It genuinely feels like absolutely nothing is going on in my chest or mind. I'm not sad, and the place in my chest where I usually feel things is just a blank space. It feels like the only options are either fake some peppiness or pretend to feel sad. Both of which are non-ideal, I'm not a big fan of faking emotions I'm not actually feeling, but I feel trapped. If my emotions could be graphed, I'm on the centre line of apathy, but others want me to swing further up or down. 

Which actually handily leads me onto the topic of F and I's conversation earlier. To keep it short, my emotions fluctuate between super high energy and super low energy very fast, and F can't keep up. He made a small diagram that will haunt me for the rest of my memory-having days. He says he wants to be able to match my emotions, but the emotional whiplash of me jumping from high to low is exhausting for him. God, when he told me that, the guilt nearly took me off my feet. I told him not to shift his mood on my account, that if I'm sad he need not follow me into the pits of hell, but he insisted so I told him to wait for me outside the gates at least. I don't want other people to be affected by my emotions. I'm exhausted by my mood swings too, so why on Earth would I want to inflict that on the people around me? Save yourselves, don't bother getting close or else you'll get whipped. 

Reading back now, it's quite funny seeing the two paragraphs back to back simply because of how contradictory they sound. I'm simultaneously a blank slate with nothing going on internally, and a emotional wreck that zips between manic happiness (though I haven't been like that in a good while) and crushing sadness. F doesn't like it when I switch on a dime (fair) and he also doesn't like it when I don't feel anything at all (less fair), so you can imagine how confused and frustrated I am. You said you don't like the rapid, massive changes  but also you don't like the stability of numbness?? What do you want from me??? What he wants from me is to find a middle ground with my emotions instead of letting them consume me, or not feeling them at all. Brother. If I knew how to regulate them to something more palatable, I would've done so already. 
The issue is extremes. I'm terrible with finding a middle ground with my feelings. Ever since I was a little kid, I would feel things very strongly and very fast, and to me that was to my benefit because I didn't linger on anything too long. If I lost a toy, I would sob hysterically for about 30secs to a minute, but then the tears would dry and I would feel nothing. I didn't care about it anymore and I went along my merry way. To me, that was fucking great. No need to be slightly sad for extended periods of time, just speedrun that shit, feel it all in one go and get it out of the way, I don't have time for that crap. But ApPaReNtLy this is not a healthy way of dealing with emotions 🙄 But it's efficient and you can't argue with results. 
I told F the best way to help me during days of the epic highs and lows of my mood is to just...not acknowledge it. Like a kid throwing a tantrum, don't feed into it and let me tucker myself out. If you don't play along and continue as you are, it's 1. More comfortable for me because familiarity is stability and 2. Maybe it'll subconsciously teach me that "No one is coming, Get Up." There's a reason why you don't engage with a toddler throwing a tantrum, you don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. To be fair, no one ever came when I was a kid and genuinely sad, so if it didn't work then, I'm not sure on its efficacy now. 

Thank god I went to my GP and he referred me to a psychiatrist for my depression. We're going to see what's wrong with me psychologically yeaaaaa

 Was just thinking about how funny it is that I'm not allowed to have boys or "people with penises" 💀 in my room now, even though I'm an adult versus when I was a kid and I could have all the male friends over that I wanted.

I think from my parents' perspective, nothing sexual was happening when you're like 10. We still played with teddies, for goodness' sake, so I was in the clear to have them over. It was only when I got my first real girlfriend + I told them I got assaulted by my brother that they went "uh uh uh NO PENISES IN YOUR ROOM EVER" Lmaooo

I asked my mother what was her reasoning for such an archaic rule and her answer was two-fold. One was about not having anything sexual happening in her house (too late 💀, but also you know I'm going to be engaging in sex regardless, why would you take away a safe place to practice it, but whatever). My house is such a sexless place, when I mentioned I had sex with my girlfriend before we started dating to my mother, she was mortified and seemed so shocked, shocked I tell you!, that her teen/YA child had sex with a trusted individual 😱 😱 😱 Oh the horror 🙄
Her second reason is more understandable, but deeply misguided. She said it's to avoid getting raped. Well, I still did despite her efforts, so pin that in your brain somewhere. But also does she realise that penises are not the source of all rape?? Rape tendencies aren't stored in the balls 🫩 I explained that even if she banned my male/penis-haver friends from being in my room alone with me, I could still get raped by a female friend. You don't need a penis to get raped by someone, and to assume so is sexist. Even then, the people I bring into my room are people I trust. You want to worry about me getting assaulted, start within your own walls instead of worrying about the people I bring in. 

 There's nothing hotter than when you both know you shouldn't do something, but you do it anyways... 😶

We swore off kissing for the next 5 months, but we were alone in his room and we kept just looking at each other, then groaning because we both really really wanted to, but knew we shouldn't. I kept looking at his lips then back at his eyes, and he kept giving me a sad puppy dog face. But in the end, he asked me "wanna do something stupid?" and like I was going to say no?? He gets up from the bed to switch off the lights so that "we can't see each other's expressions" (that'll somehow not encourage us to keep going?? I don't understand his logic) and then we started making out like starved men, which we were to some degree. God, I missed kissing someone like that...hands wandering in the dark...soft moans from the force of it all... Sighhhh ❤️ 
But it gets even better! After a couple minutes, he scrambles to his feet and calling out "I'm folding". My heart drops for a second, thinking that was it? He didn't want to kiss me anymore? I say that out loud and he switches on the light and stares me down like a hungry man and replies "no." and fucking lunges at me. He wanted to see my expressions as I moaned and squirmed under him 🤭🤭🤭 

Also!! Huge milestone today!!! As we were kissing, he murmured something into my mouth and I couldn't quite catch his words, but I thought he said "I like you" (he says that quite often) so I said "I like you too!", but he smiled and said "that's not what I said." My heart picks up because it means he could've said the other thing that he's, in the past, said he's not comfortable saying because of its association with his ex. So to push it further, I jokingly said "so you hate me?" and his smile grew wider and more amused and he replied "didn't say that either". So obviously I pestered him to say it again, so he pressed into my mouth and it was muffled in the kiss AGAIN so I begged him to say it to my face. He looked up in thought, his eyes betraying his nervousness. He looked back at me and made me promise to try my hardest for the next 5 months and, of course, I promised. He paused for a moment, looking me in the eye, before cautiously saying "I love you". Ohhhh dear reader the way I MELTED at that 😭😭😭 I've been saying I love you since the beginning, I've never made me affections secret, but when he says it, my heart does double triple backflips. I love him so much :( <3

I forgot to mention we finally got to sleep in the same bed today!! We slept for, I think, an hour and a half under the blankets, just cuddled up and FUCK that was so nice. God, I really loved that. My arm fell asleep and was cramping for a hot minute, but being able to snuggle my head in the crook of his neck was so so nice. 
 
After today, we agreed we aren't going to be physical with each other for the next 10 FUCKING MONTHS because he wants to wait until I'm 19 to officially date me because, as his friend pointed out, I'm (not so anymore) freshly 18 and he feels very strange about that as he's 21 (will be 22 by the time I'm 19), which is fair but EUGHHHHH I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER 5 MONTHS AFTER THE INITIAL 5 MONTHS 😭😭😭 BROOOO

 Bro what happened to 3-5 months of self-restraint?? Lmaooo

You instruct me to stroke my shit while playing my chest, telling me to thank you by name everytime my fingers slip in and out. Like this some GAY SHIT. And then telling me to insert my leash and praising and cooing at me while I do, calling me a good boy/pup as I yip and whine from the cold meeting very warm. 
And then afterward telling me to bring in my leash EVERY DAY from now on 💀💀💀 Oh you're so not even trying to restrain yourself, you want me BADDDD

And making me kneel on the cold, hard floors and stopping me from laying a cushion down for my knees, citing "You're going to show me the little spots on your knees tomorrow". You sick fuck (I'm hard as a rock). Getting me to slap my own ass until both my cheeks and palms sting from the contact?? Good shit.

I forgot to mention, but the entire time for this, we were on video call and he was playing Darktide while absentmindedly playing with a pen in his mouth. My love for maws extend past the furry kind 🥴 That stupidly charming smile of his as he twirls the pen between his teeth, his lips curled up in a sadistic sneer watching me tearfully try to insert more of the leash (have you ever tried to push a rope??) God I can't begin to describe the kind of things that snarl does to me 😭 I told him "Bite me Bite me Bite me Bite me Bite me Bite me Bite me Bite me" and when he asked "how hard?" and I responded "hard enough that I can still feel your teeth on my neck when we go back to class" hoo boy I could see the cogs in his brain turning real deviously at that.

#IGotThatDawgInMeAndTheDawgHasAnOralFixation

 There's something to be said about heavy handed symbolism in real life that is so so funny to me. In those moments, it's like a divine hand reaches across the veil and directly interferes with my life. It reinforces the idea that I am just a character in a Truman-like show and aspects of my life are tweaked in real time for entertainment purposes.
But I'm getting ahead of myself, let me explain:

So F and I were sitting on call last night, he playing games, me sorting through my laundry. We were just chatting about Warhammer and games, just shooting the shit, y'know? While I was digging through my laundry basket, I pulled out my old skirt that I still have from when I was still a girl, and that I kept because 1. It's cute and 2. I know what men like 💀 F is no exception and very much enjoyed when I wore it for him before so I decided for a very funny hee hee ha ha, I was going to put it on right now. Bit of further context, I was sitting in my pyjamas which consisted of a shirt with a husky on it and plaid bottoms, and F LOVES huskies. This is relevant because when I stepped back into view wearing a husky pyjama shirt, a skirt and a my new collar I bought that day (the fit was CHOPPED), F folded like a cheap lawn chair. He kept looking at me, then pulling away from the screen, only to glance back at me muttering something about me being "unfair". His expression read "Fuck. He's cute, but I can't fuck around with him for the next 5 months. This is torture. Unfair unfair unfair!" He actually begged me to take it off because he said that he was actually going to fold if I didn't. I struck a couple more gay ass poses that I know he finds me hot when I do before sparing him and taking the skirt off. 

Now how is that at all symbolic? It's not, until you compare it to Willow and their reactions. If I were to be like that on call with Willow, I probably wouldn't gotten that strong of reaction until I was naked or at least scantily clad. But F finds me torturously attractive in the dumbest fit possible, and that warms my heart in a very particular way. I don't need to be nude or conventionally sexy with him, I just have to be myself and he precums in his pants (has happened several times!!!) I like not having to perform sexiness for him, he likes my personality a LOT and that makes me happy. :) 

 Never fucking sharing my blog ever again. It's so fun to have your raw thoughts constantly be called pornographic no matter how much you protest that it's not. I trusted them with this that is so close to my heart and they fucking punched right through. They preach openness and sharing all my thoughts, even the random ones that make no sense, and when I do, it's belittled and mocked.
"Oh, it wasn't our intention to hurt you. We were laughing with you, not at you. Also you should've said it sooner more directly if it bothered you so much." Great. Thanks. That definitely doesn't make me want to punch your teeth in any less. I've learnt my lesson, some things just cannot be shared and my uncensored words are definitely one of those. I'm sorry that my dumb crush posting wasn't some flowery poetry that would make a romantic's heart swoon. That's what I fucking get for baring my heart to people that I thought I could trust. 

 So after my ex and I broke up, I remembered I had a tumblr account and started posting there a bunch about stuff that should usually go here so I'm going to be uploading the backlog of stuff from there to here in a little while. Thank god for dreamwidth's ability to edit the date 🙏

 Bro, you can't ruffle my hair and call me a good boy while we're walking??? That's a cheap tactic when my legs are already so weak from running >:(
But yeah he's more recently started calling me a good boy whilst mussing up my hair, then laughing when I audibly beam from the petname. It only sucks because I know he doesn't want to do any more than this :( I miss when my ex would properly scratch my scalp, but having my crush do it works too ig
Also he joked about me sucking his dick again. It's such an underhanded trick because I absolutely would love to, I just want to rub my face all over his crotch, but to beat the dead horse again, he "doesn't want anything from me" so no dick-sucking for me :(