Depression is KICKING my ass again
May. 19th, 2026 05:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seapicklesupremacy I can feel the depression getting worse again. I woke up at 4pm yesterday and laid in bed before getting forced out by mom to eat something. Last night I tried to distract myself by playing Spore and Shapez until 5am, but the moment I looked away from the screen the tears started welling up. It felt like I was choking on my own dread and loneliness.
I'm seeing Him tomorrow, but I'm lowkey dreading it because it feels like I'm forcing him to be around me. Especially since our argument from under a week ago where I kindly asked him to not promise to do something and then not follow through, and I followed that up by saying if he couldn't because of extenuating circumstances, to let me know instead of blowing me off completely. He didn't like that at all. He said I was passive aggressive in my message (I wasn't), he said that it felt shitty that I called him an asshole (I didn't) and that what I had done (bring up an issue I had with him, something he had EXPLICITEDLY told me to do before) was a shitty thing to do. His apology afterwards, if you could call it that, was half-assed and insincere. I had to tell him I wanted an apology AND listed out the exact events that I wanted an apology for. I had to spell it out for him because he was apologising very vaguely, like how one would do if they didn't even know what they were supposed to apologising for. After I had listed it all out, his response was (VERBATIM):
"I apologise for being flakey" "Im sorry about the other two"
THE FUCKING AUDACITY OF THIS MAN. Since then, I've avoided starting conversations with him over text. Some part because I'm still angry and petty about it, but also because I'm scared that this'll happen again. If I want to talk with him, but he doesn't want to, he's going to feel obliged to speak to me or he's going to blow me off again and it'll be my fault for being clingy or overbearing. I just want to catch up with a friend, to see how his day went, but if he's already feeling overwhelmed by other things, the last thing I want to be is an extra burden so I've been avoiding sparking a conversation. I reasoned to myself if that he wanted to chat with me, I'd make myself available, but I wouldn't force a conversation on him.
The first time we had a full length conversation since I confronted him was yesterday :/ It had been almost a week since we spoke at length. I won't lie and say that this doesn't sting a little. We used to speak everyday, or at least check up on each other before going to bed, but now I'm a "talk-to-once-a-week" kind of guy. It makes me really sad and it's definitely exacerbating my sense of loneliness. If someone I consider one of my closest friends appears to resent talking to me, I'm going to feel shit about it. That combined with my cripplingly low self-esteem makes me dread hanging out with him because what if he's sick of me and hates hanging out with me and is only doing it to keep appearances and is secretly building resentment against me. You, too, would avoid talking to and hanging out with people if you believed that one more conversation with you is enough to make them finally crack and explode at you for being clingy and needy.
This is all worsened by the fact that my depression is getting worse very rapidly. The weather is nice, I'm not lacking in any physical needs, I don't have any deadlines, but there's this weight in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. It feels like a black hole is slowly ripping away at my insides, parts of me just swirling into the void never to be seen again. I even finally cracked and drank alcohol when sad when I swore I wouldn't do that again. "It sets a dangerous precedent" I said, but it's easier said than done to adhere to promises made in more ideal circumstances.
The last time the depression got like this was in the weeks preceding my suicide attempt, so you can imagine how terrifying it feels to know it's starting again. I don't if I can survive it this time around. The person I turned to in my desperate moment of need has become someone that holds me at an arms-length. If I don't call or text beforehand, if I don't raise any alarm bells, I could end it all in a matter of moments. No one would notice until there wasn't anything left to do, but identify the body and move on.
This is made more dangerous by the fact that I've become a high-functioning depressive. For some unknown reason, I still act and behave mostly like myself around people. You wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong beyond the odd sleeping hours. It makes me feel like a fraud. If I truly were sad, everyone would be aware of it all the time. But no one else is around when I spontaneously burst into tears and bury my head into my hands.
Good thing I'm headed for the psych ward in 2 weeks.
I'm seeing Him tomorrow, but I'm lowkey dreading it because it feels like I'm forcing him to be around me. Especially since our argument from under a week ago where I kindly asked him to not promise to do something and then not follow through, and I followed that up by saying if he couldn't because of extenuating circumstances, to let me know instead of blowing me off completely. He didn't like that at all. He said I was passive aggressive in my message (I wasn't), he said that it felt shitty that I called him an asshole (I didn't) and that what I had done (bring up an issue I had with him, something he had EXPLICITEDLY told me to do before) was a shitty thing to do. His apology afterwards, if you could call it that, was half-assed and insincere. I had to tell him I wanted an apology AND listed out the exact events that I wanted an apology for. I had to spell it out for him because he was apologising very vaguely, like how one would do if they didn't even know what they were supposed to apologising for. After I had listed it all out, his response was (VERBATIM):
"I apologise for being flakey"
"Thank you"
"Is that the only thing?"
"Is that the only thing?"
THE FUCKING AUDACITY OF THIS MAN. Since then, I've avoided starting conversations with him over text. Some part because I'm still angry and petty about it, but also because I'm scared that this'll happen again. If I want to talk with him, but he doesn't want to, he's going to feel obliged to speak to me or he's going to blow me off again and it'll be my fault for being clingy or overbearing. I just want to catch up with a friend, to see how his day went, but if he's already feeling overwhelmed by other things, the last thing I want to be is an extra burden so I've been avoiding sparking a conversation. I reasoned to myself if that he wanted to chat with me, I'd make myself available, but I wouldn't force a conversation on him.
The first time we had a full length conversation since I confronted him was yesterday :/ It had been almost a week since we spoke at length. I won't lie and say that this doesn't sting a little. We used to speak everyday, or at least check up on each other before going to bed, but now I'm a "talk-to-once-a-week" kind of guy. It makes me really sad and it's definitely exacerbating my sense of loneliness. If someone I consider one of my closest friends appears to resent talking to me, I'm going to feel shit about it. That combined with my cripplingly low self-esteem makes me dread hanging out with him because what if he's sick of me and hates hanging out with me and is only doing it to keep appearances and is secretly building resentment against me. You, too, would avoid talking to and hanging out with people if you believed that one more conversation with you is enough to make them finally crack and explode at you for being clingy and needy.
This is all worsened by the fact that my depression is getting worse very rapidly. The weather is nice, I'm not lacking in any physical needs, I don't have any deadlines, but there's this weight in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. It feels like a black hole is slowly ripping away at my insides, parts of me just swirling into the void never to be seen again. I even finally cracked and drank alcohol when sad when I swore I wouldn't do that again. "It sets a dangerous precedent" I said, but it's easier said than done to adhere to promises made in more ideal circumstances.
The last time the depression got like this was in the weeks preceding my suicide attempt, so you can imagine how terrifying it feels to know it's starting again. I don't if I can survive it this time around. The person I turned to in my desperate moment of need has become someone that holds me at an arms-length. If I don't call or text beforehand, if I don't raise any alarm bells, I could end it all in a matter of moments. No one would notice until there wasn't anything left to do, but identify the body and move on.
This is made more dangerous by the fact that I've become a high-functioning depressive. For some unknown reason, I still act and behave mostly like myself around people. You wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong beyond the odd sleeping hours. It makes me feel like a fraud. If I truly were sad, everyone would be aware of it all the time. But no one else is around when I spontaneously burst into tears and bury my head into my hands.
Good thing I'm headed for the psych ward in 2 weeks.
