(This was written last night at peak yearning hours; I'm very interesting to see how people would interpret this because I'm firmly aroace lmao)

I figured I'd drop this on you now while you're sleeping (sorry for being sappy; I'm so bad at being emotionally vulnerable):



(Just for some additional context, I fear being this emotionally open about how much I want someone because I know, inevitably, someone is going to determine that I'm in romantic love and it's going to piss me off. This is confusing for me too, but I know it's not romantic. Sounds like I'm lying through my teeth/in hella denial, but I know what I feel, I just don't know how to express it.)

 I'll give a more detailed background when I have my laptop, but right now I feel like my heart is trying to pound out of my chest

You know, ever since I realised I'm neurotic as fuck, it's gotten so much worse. My mood swings are wack and so frequent, I don't even know how I'm supposed to be feeling anymore. I feel so strongly in every direction all the time, I genuinely feel like I've lost control on my own emotions.

I don't know what to do, my body feels like it's in a constant state of panic and my heart is about to give up on me. If I try to keep face, my internal feelings claw at my stomach, and if I let my emotions out, I'm plagued with guilt later. God, I'm such a mess

 So I'm having a celebration for my birthday tomorrow and my mom said she bought stuff for it and I was so excited to take a look and it's like, really fancy chocolates and stuff I don't really like... I'm not trying to sound ungrateful here, but it just looks like she's unloading all the excess stuff from Christmas onto me and it sucks :( What's worse is that I asked her and she said she bought all this recently, which means she consciously chose all this which I think might be worse

Like there isn't a single thing that I'm excited to eat. Even the drinks she chose are not great. Look, I like Schloer, but the Christmas themed one is objectively the worst tasting one. I'm not sure if she even knows the sweets I like. Does she know I love biscuit cake? That my favourite fizzy drink is cherry pepsi? That I like sour haribos and my favourite kind of chocolate is milk?

She bought a dark chocolate Toblerone with nougat and that, personally, sounds awful. Like?? I'm not picky with sweets but how have you managed to get all the stuff I'm hesitant towards?? For my birthday of all events. And I know she prefers dark chocolate and "healthier" treats like that and it's pissing me off that she's pushing that shit onto me. She said bought Aeros and I checked, she didn't 😐 Literally just lying for what?? 

And I feel really bad about not liking it, because she spent money on this and I know if I mention a complaint, it's going to be my ass about being ungrateful and all that. 

And I know I sound like a kid whining about how, god forbid, I don't like the sweets someone got for me, but this shit is just another example of my mom just not knowing me. I realised that my mom knows jack shit about me aside from the surface level stuff and that really stings. Even for my birthday, she can't even bother asking. 

My mood swings are fucking killing me right now wtf
One minute I'm horny af, the next I'm crushingly lonely. I just want to someone to want me. FUCK!

My friends are sick of me and honestly, I'm sick of me too. I just want to curl up into a ball and die. 

 It's so fucking embarrassing when I get yelled at jokingly(?) by my friends for being mean and I can't even question it without saying like a fake ass bitch. It's my fault, I'm sorry but god this cut a lot deeper than I thought it would 

 So this is going to reveal some personal details I'd been keeping secret for a while, but fuck it, I'm crying and I'm upset, let's expose my fears.

I want to do illustration/animation. God do I want to pursue art so fucking bad. I'm in love with being able to make stuff that other people can see and enjoy. I want to pursue it so fucking bad. But I just can't.

So I'm applying for college soon and I've been avoiding the topic of "What do you want to do" like the plague or at least deflecting the question because I know what I want to do, but I cannot do it. Everytime someone asks, I give them the half-heartedly answer of biochem and/or chemical engineering. And I like those things! Don't get me wrong, I don't hate either of those things, but it fucking wrecks me that I have to lie to myself and other people about my actual aspirations.

I think repeating back those options is about convincing myself as much as it is about convincing other people. And I know this because I thought I was over it. I knew, deep down, that art is simply not a feasible option for a future, and it's not one that I would've been supported of, so I shut the idea down. I shoved my desire in a box and shunted it to the back of my mind, far from my consciousness. I thought I could ignore it. I thought I was over it. 

Turns out, no I am not. 

Turns out all it takes to get me sobbing is seeing "3-D animation" at the top of my screen while searching for biochem courses with my mum. There's so something so soul-crushing about seeing the courses I want to do scroll past whilst I search for courses that I'm only half interested in. Like walking past your first love down the street and not being able to make eye contact out of shame. 

This is why I hate talking about my future. I know what I want, but I have to actively turn away from it in favour of stability. My heart aches for what I can't have and it's killing me. 

And I want to clarify something, by 'can't do it', I mean I don't have a portfolio. You need a portfolio to apply for these art courses, but I don't have one. And it's too late to make one. I've seen the sample portfolios that they give for examples and I cannot do it. I simply do not have the standard they want for these courses and I do not have the time to practice to get to that standard. Basically I have to watch the clock tick down for several months while I can do nothing but stand to the side and grieve for what I could have had. 

And my mum wants me to be happy, but she also sides with my dad about stability. When I asked her if she wanted to come with me to a portfolio information evening, she seemed reluctant becuase it's in the middle of town (a pain to drive into) and it's late enough that she might need to pick my brother up from his job then as well. She asked why I wanted to go if I knew I couldn't do it anyway, and I responded that I wanted to prove to myself that I had least tried. It was silent for a few seconds before she put it in her calendar. 

She also attempted to make the point that if I truly wanted it, I would've already done what I needed to do for my portfolio. Such shit reasoning. I want to try oil painting — Too expensive, don't have the means to get the materials. I want to try lino cutting — Same reasons as above. I want to do 3D modelling + animation — Laptop isn't powerful enough to run any of the free 3D programs and I don't have the money to buy a new laptop for this specific purpose. There's so much physical/traditional art stuff I want to try, but I just can't. 

And here we are now. My eyes are red and puffy from crying and yet nothing is changed. My dreams are still out of reach, my future is still up in the air and now I'm hungry. This shit fucking sucks. 

 I hate my mom oh my god I hate her, I hate fucking talking to her we always fight I always end up crying I hate her I hate her so much I wish she would leave me alone she always makes it seem like a fucking disappointment that doesn't do enough it's never fucking enough for her I'm never doing enough 
5 days a week I work and study for 14 and a half fucking hours and I get home at 10pm and eat a cold dinner in the dark before I go to bed and do it all over again BUT GOD FUCKING FORBID I HAVE A FULL DAY OFF 'Cause nooooo you won't have weekends off so you need to study everyday LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING
I don't think she realises how lucky she is that I actually go in and work every day, I have friends who are out constantly because of their depression but I just grit my teeth and bear the exhaustion What if I can't do that any longer? Oh I'm sure your demands will feel REAL comforting when I'm too burnt out to get out of bed let alone school
I'M FUCKING TRYING OKAY I BASICALLY HAVE TO DO AN ATTITUDE 180 FROM LAST YEAR WHILE BATTLING UNMEDICATED ADHD AND FUCKING AUTISM 
IT'S SO HARD TRYING TO FIGHT MY OWN BRAIN JUST TO STAY ON TRACK I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF WRESTLING MYSELF EVERYDAY JUST TO DO BASIC TASKS
I'm not lazy I swear I just had to pick my battles I can't do everything you ask of me and I'm sorry but it's the dishes on my table or my laundry, it's the clothes on my floor or strip my bed I CANNOT DO EVERYTHING MY BRAIN WON'T LET ME
Do you know how hard it is to break out of habits?? Especially ones that are neurologically implanted in you??? Old habits die so much fucking harder
 "Oh but I acknowledge it and I don't pressure you" Bull fucking shit
 I don't go even want to study anymore just to spite her, if hurting me hurts her, I'm happy
The only reason I wouldn't kill myself is because I won't be alive to see her face when she realises it's all her fucking fault

 Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because nothing seems to stick in my head. I live in constant fear that I've forgotten something (which I often have) and then I have to scramble to deal with those ramifications. I constantly have so many thoughts and things to follow through on but none of them can actually sit in my brain long enough that I actually remember to do them and it kills me. It feels like trying to hold sand in my hands but I can't quite shut my fingers all the way. It's so anxiety inducing, especially when I have my future and my mother breathing down my neck about it. 

I feel like death.