seapicklesupremacy: Meme of a drawn cat with a blank open-mouthed smile (Default)
 You know you're fucked when no online body visualiser will display your weight accurately 💀

No, to be a little more serious though, my new ADHD medication has been doing as ADHD medication does. That's to say, I knew the side effects when I signed up for it. One of the very common side effects is weight loss/loss of appetite and I joked, saying that, "Oh, you know, I'm going to waste away because I've always had a bit of a small appetite anyways." But I was kidding then. I don't think I'm kidding anymore. 
 
Because I made a timeline from when I had my weight first taken on March 28th and today's April 23rd, so it's been a little under a month. It's basically a month at this point. And, it's kinda dire, actually. Because I was 40kg when I went to the doctor's office and then proceeded to get a prescription, got it filled. Five days later, I dropped 600 grams. And then a week later, I dropped another 300. Two days later, I dropped 700 grams. Three days later after that, I dropped another 200. So currently I'm 38.2kg, so I am actually kind of wasting away. I have not been this weight since I was 14, which is dire. 
 
From yesterday, I only had two meals in the last two days. I'm eating one meal a day, at best, and I'm just nauseous the entire time. I don't taste anything anymore. I don't feel hungry anymore. I just feel empty. Like, just a hole in my abdomen. And then I go to eat something, but I don't crave anything, and I don't taste anything. It's not that I don't have a sense of taste, it's just none of it leaves an impact on me. I have to force myself to eat the bare minimum past the nausea and even then it's a struggle. It sucks because it's not like I have an eating disorder, and imagine how embarrassing it is to be malnourished in this day and age while not in poverty. I'm tired all the time.

It's another example why BMI is fucked as a scale if you have a height or weight that's not in the middling range. Most models/tables don't go below 45kg or 40kg, and a lot of them give conflicting results. According to the NHS, I'm in a healthy range (barely), but to the CDC, I'm underweight so what is it? It also doesn't help that there's no way for me to accurately keep track of body fat because all the visual comparisons are for athletes or bodybuilders, and I do ZERO exercise. It's doubly fucked that even though I'm "underweight", visually I'm doing fine, healthy, desirable even. But it suckssss. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I have a doctor's call in a week so I'll see what they can do, but god I don't know how much longer I can take this.

 

seapicklesupremacy: Meme of a drawn cat with a blank open-mouthed smile (Default)
I don't want to get too into the weeds because it's just so long, but I wonder if the reason why I'm so weird sexually is because I don't treat it as something to come down from. Let me explain. 

I was studying as usual, when I decided to listen to an audio of one of my favourite NSFW VAs, (not)whorosethinks, and the audio was a really heavy one. Like super duper toxic dynamic and even he puts a disclaimer in the description to "have aftercare prepared immediately after this one" and I just stopped for moment. I realised in that moment, that I do not ever soothe myself down from emotionally harrowing moments, not just sexual kind either. I kind of just plunge myself back into normalcy, my mental state be damned. That makes me wonder if that's why my relationship with sex is so strange.

Somewhat related, I may have flirted myself into a corner. Basically I flirted with this tgirl and she flirted back and now there's this expectation that we'll hook up sometime in the not-so-distant future and it's making me so nervous. Nothing against her, but I'm physically nauseous thinking about actually sleeping with her. And this isn't the first time either.

So this combined with my earlier realisation, I wondered why I'm so weird around the idea of actually sleeping with someone. I'm normal around sexual content, I'm not uncomfortable around talking about sex, I think it's all quite normal and fine, but then if I have to think about me actually engaging in sex, I get ill. Now, I could explain it away as nerves, and I do think it's partially that, but also now I'm considering if I'm actually sex-repulsed...

Because I've also joked that as an asexual, I sure am horny, and my friends all agree that I'm the most openly horny out of all of us, doubly funny with the knowledge that I'm ace, but I've never considered myself sex-repulsed because me?? Sex-repulsed?? Me the Horny Bastard™??? Repulsed at sex?? Impossible. But clearly somewhere somehow, a pig has sprouted wings and I've actually come to the realisation that I might be sex-repulsed. Fine with sexual content in it's many forms except for me? That sounds like sex-repulsion to me 😭😭

Right now, I'm just going to give it some time and see if this idea continues to hold up and if it does, see how it changes my life thus on. 
seapicklesupremacy: Meme of a drawn cat with a blank open-mouthed smile (Default)
 Guys I'm pretty sure my period blood isn't meant to be black 😶 
To be fair, this happens nearly every time so maybe it's just normal for me

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