I'm more of an asexual than I thought??
Dec. 11th, 2024 08:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seapicklesupremacyI don't want to get too into the weeds because it's just so long, but I wonder if the reason why I'm so weird sexually is because I don't treat it as something to come down from. Let me explain.
I was studying as usual, when I decided to listen to an audio of one of my favourite NSFW VAs, (not)whorosethinks, and the audio was a really heavy one. Like super duper toxic dynamic and even he puts a disclaimer in the description to "have aftercare prepared immediately after this one" and I just stopped for moment. I realised in that moment, that I do not ever soothe myself down from emotionally harrowing moments, not just sexual kind either. I kind of just plunge myself back into normalcy, my mental state be damned. That makes me wonder if that's why my relationship with sex is so strange.
Somewhat related, I may have flirted myself into a corner. Basically I flirted with this tgirl and she flirted back and now there's this expectation that we'll hook up sometime in the not-so-distant future and it's making me so nervous. Nothing against her, but I'm physically nauseous thinking about actually sleeping with her. And this isn't the first time either.
So this combined with my earlier realisation, I wondered why I'm so weird around the idea of actually sleeping with someone. I'm normal around sexual content, I'm not uncomfortable around talking about sex, I think it's all quite normal and fine, but then if I have to think about me actually engaging in sex, I get ill. Now, I could explain it away as nerves, and I do think it's partially that, but also now I'm considering if I'm actually sex-repulsed...
Because I've also joked that as an asexual, I sure am horny, and my friends all agree that I'm the most openly horny out of all of us, doubly funny with the knowledge that I'm ace, but I've never considered myself sex-repulsed because me?? Sex-repulsed?? Me the Horny Bastard™??? Repulsed at sex?? Impossible. But clearly somewhere somehow, a pig has sprouted wings and I've actually come to the realisation that I might be sex-repulsed. Fine with sexual content in it's many forms except for me? That sounds like sex-repulsion to me ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Right now, I'm just going to give it some time and see if this idea continues to hold up and if it does, see how it changes my life thus on.
I was studying as usual, when I decided to listen to an audio of one of my favourite NSFW VAs, (not)whorosethinks, and the audio was a really heavy one. Like super duper toxic dynamic and even he puts a disclaimer in the description to "have aftercare prepared immediately after this one" and I just stopped for moment. I realised in that moment, that I do not ever soothe myself down from emotionally harrowing moments, not just sexual kind either. I kind of just plunge myself back into normalcy, my mental state be damned. That makes me wonder if that's why my relationship with sex is so strange.
Somewhat related, I may have flirted myself into a corner. Basically I flirted with this tgirl and she flirted back and now there's this expectation that we'll hook up sometime in the not-so-distant future and it's making me so nervous. Nothing against her, but I'm physically nauseous thinking about actually sleeping with her. And this isn't the first time either.
So this combined with my earlier realisation, I wondered why I'm so weird around the idea of actually sleeping with someone. I'm normal around sexual content, I'm not uncomfortable around talking about sex, I think it's all quite normal and fine, but then if I have to think about me actually engaging in sex, I get ill. Now, I could explain it away as nerves, and I do think it's partially that, but also now I'm considering if I'm actually sex-repulsed...
Because I've also joked that as an asexual, I sure am horny, and my friends all agree that I'm the most openly horny out of all of us, doubly funny with the knowledge that I'm ace, but I've never considered myself sex-repulsed because me?? Sex-repulsed?? Me the Horny Bastard™??? Repulsed at sex?? Impossible. But clearly somewhere somehow, a pig has sprouted wings and I've actually come to the realisation that I might be sex-repulsed. Fine with sexual content in it's many forms except for me? That sounds like sex-repulsion to me ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Right now, I'm just going to give it some time and see if this idea continues to hold up and if it does, see how it changes my life thus on.
