Turns out I'm not over it
Oct. 5th, 2024 06:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seapicklesupremacy So this is going to reveal some personal details I'd been keeping secret for a while, but fuck it, I'm crying and I'm upset, let's expose my fears.
I want to do illustration/animation. God do I want to pursue art so fucking bad. I'm in love with being able to make stuff that other people can see and enjoy. I want to pursue it so fucking bad. But I just can't.
So I'm applying for college soon and I've been avoiding the topic of "What do you want to do" like the plague or at least deflecting the question because I know what I want to do, but I cannot do it. Everytime someone asks, I give them the half-heartedly answer of biochem and/or chemical engineering. And I like those things! Don't get me wrong, I don't hate either of those things, but it fucking wrecks me that I have to lie to myself and other people about my actual aspirations.
I think repeating back those options is about convincing myself as much as it is about convincing other people. And I know this because I thought I was over it. I knew, deep down, that art is simply not a feasible option for a future, and it's not one that I would've been supported of, so I shut the idea down. I shoved my desire in a box and shunted it to the back of my mind, far from my consciousness. I thought I could ignore it. I thought I was over it.
Turns out, no I am not.
Turns out all it takes to get me sobbing is seeing "3-D animation" at the top of my screen while searching for biochem courses with my mum. There's so something so soul-crushing about seeing the courses I want to do scroll past whilst I search for courses that I'm only half interested in. Like walking past your first love down the street and not being able to make eye contact out of shame.
This is why I hate talking about my future. I know what I want, but I have to actively turn away from it in favour of stability. My heart aches for what I can't have and it's killing me.
And I want to clarify something, by 'can't do it', I mean I don't have a portfolio. You need a portfolio to apply for these art courses, but I don't have one. And it's too late to make one. I've seen the sample portfolios that they give for examples and I cannot do it. I simply do not have the standard they want for these courses and I do not have the time to practice to get to that standard. Basically I have to watch the clock tick down for several months while I can do nothing but stand to the side and grieve for what I could have had.
And my mum wants me to be happy, but she also sides with my dad about stability. When I asked her if she wanted to come with me to a portfolio information evening, she seemed reluctant becuase it's in the middle of town (a pain to drive into) and it's late enough that she might need to pick my brother up from his job then as well. She asked why I wanted to go if I knew I couldn't do it anyway, and I responded that I wanted to prove to myself that I had least tried. It was silent for a few seconds before she put it in her calendar.
She also attempted to make the point that if I truly wanted it, I would've already done what I needed to do for my portfolio. Such shit reasoning. I want to try oil painting — Too expensive, don't have the means to get the materials. I want to try lino cutting — Same reasons as above. I want to do 3D modelling + animation — Laptop isn't powerful enough to run any of the free 3D programs and I don't have the money to buy a new laptop for this specific purpose. There's so much physical/traditional art stuff I want to try, but I just can't.
And here we are now. My eyes are red and puffy from crying and yet nothing is changed. My dreams are still out of reach, my future is still up in the air and now I'm hungry. This shit fucking sucks.
I want to do illustration/animation. God do I want to pursue art so fucking bad. I'm in love with being able to make stuff that other people can see and enjoy. I want to pursue it so fucking bad. But I just can't.
So I'm applying for college soon and I've been avoiding the topic of "What do you want to do" like the plague or at least deflecting the question because I know what I want to do, but I cannot do it. Everytime someone asks, I give them the half-heartedly answer of biochem and/or chemical engineering. And I like those things! Don't get me wrong, I don't hate either of those things, but it fucking wrecks me that I have to lie to myself and other people about my actual aspirations.
I think repeating back those options is about convincing myself as much as it is about convincing other people. And I know this because I thought I was over it. I knew, deep down, that art is simply not a feasible option for a future, and it's not one that I would've been supported of, so I shut the idea down. I shoved my desire in a box and shunted it to the back of my mind, far from my consciousness. I thought I could ignore it. I thought I was over it.
Turns out, no I am not.
Turns out all it takes to get me sobbing is seeing "3-D animation" at the top of my screen while searching for biochem courses with my mum. There's so something so soul-crushing about seeing the courses I want to do scroll past whilst I search for courses that I'm only half interested in. Like walking past your first love down the street and not being able to make eye contact out of shame.
This is why I hate talking about my future. I know what I want, but I have to actively turn away from it in favour of stability. My heart aches for what I can't have and it's killing me.
And I want to clarify something, by 'can't do it', I mean I don't have a portfolio. You need a portfolio to apply for these art courses, but I don't have one. And it's too late to make one. I've seen the sample portfolios that they give for examples and I cannot do it. I simply do not have the standard they want for these courses and I do not have the time to practice to get to that standard. Basically I have to watch the clock tick down for several months while I can do nothing but stand to the side and grieve for what I could have had.
And my mum wants me to be happy, but she also sides with my dad about stability. When I asked her if she wanted to come with me to a portfolio information evening, she seemed reluctant becuase it's in the middle of town (a pain to drive into) and it's late enough that she might need to pick my brother up from his job then as well. She asked why I wanted to go if I knew I couldn't do it anyway, and I responded that I wanted to prove to myself that I had least tried. It was silent for a few seconds before she put it in her calendar.
She also attempted to make the point that if I truly wanted it, I would've already done what I needed to do for my portfolio. Such shit reasoning. I want to try oil painting — Too expensive, don't have the means to get the materials. I want to try lino cutting — Same reasons as above. I want to do 3D modelling + animation — Laptop isn't powerful enough to run any of the free 3D programs and I don't have the money to buy a new laptop for this specific purpose. There's so much physical/traditional art stuff I want to try, but I just can't.
And here we are now. My eyes are red and puffy from crying and yet nothing is changed. My dreams are still out of reach, my future is still up in the air and now I'm hungry. This shit fucking sucks.
