Unsent texts

[seapicklesupremacy]

 (This was written last night at peak yearning hours; I'm very interesting to see how people would interpret this because I'm firmly aroace lmao)

I figured I'd drop this on you now while you're sleeping (sorry for being sappy; I'm so bad at being emotionally vulnerable):

 

I want to be able to kiss you more.

I want to be able to display affection without imploding from humiliation. I'm so bad at communicating that I enjoy your company without being cringe or overly sexual. I want to be able to just hold your hand or lean against you. I want to touch you, but I don't know how much contact I'm allowed. Every brush against your skin feels like I've been burned, the immediate revulsion to my own feelings feels like a force down against my heart. I recoil from others' touch not from disgust, but some deep-rooted shame about wanting. Wanting touch. Wanting connection. Wanting more.
 

This desperate need for more sickens me. I feel greedy, already having taken so much from you. You're so kind and considerate to me, but I fear your tolerance will not last. Everytime I speak to you over the phone or awkwardly gauge your approval, I feel your patience grows thinner. I know it's irrational, but I fear your weariness of me will only grow. For some fucked up reason in my head, if I limit our interactions then I'll have more time with you before you grow tired of me, even if it means avoiding you when I want to see you. 
 

I am not an interesting person. I have a strange sense of humour and my personality is off-putting. Worst of all, I'm a bundle of insecurities and emotions shambling around in the rough shape of a man with minimal filter. I'm clingy and desperate for approval — All traits that I despise. I try to hide my feelings behind humour and sardony, but my defences are paper thin. I reek of desperation. I feel like my desires are barely restrained under my skin, clawing through my mouth at the most inopportune times. I don't know how you put up with me. 

You've been far kinder to me than you needed, so much so that I distrust it. I want to keep you at an arm's length so there's no chance I get hurt. Cliché, I know, but simultaneously I want to drag you close to me and just embrace you. My own affection disgusts me and I'm trying to get over it, but I don't know how long it's going to take.

Please be patient with me for just a little bit longer. 

(Just for some additional context, I fear being this emotionally open about how much I want someone because I know, inevitably, someone is going to determine that I'm in romantic love and it's going to piss me off. This is confusing for me too, but I know it's not romantic. Sounds like I'm lying through my teeth/in hella denial, but I know what I feel, I just don't know how to express it.)