Big stinky poo poo brain
May. 13th, 2026 01:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seapicklesupremacy Trying to wrangle in the self loathing thoughts when I mess up and hurt my friends is like trying to tame a wild horse who's never see a human before. Like everytime I think of it, I have to forcibly yank the mental rope I have to prevent myself from spiralling. Is this a healthy mindset? Like I'm not letting my self loathing take active root in my mind, but also feels like I'm having to constantly quash down how I feel about something which sounds like repression.
Eh, a small price to pay to not be seen as a whiny, oversensitive little bitch that can't handle the tiniest amount of pushback. As I'm typing this, I literally just remembered that I have RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria). Ohhhhh so that's why I'm such a bitch and annoying to talk to ohhhh. But yeah, the version of myself that I present during times of conflict was filtered through several layers of "that's selfish, don't say that", "that's a childish response" and "you overdramatic bitch, it's not that deep". Because though my outward responses may be reasonable and measured, inside my head I'm kicking and screaming and cursing at them for hurting me, even if I hurt them first.
I'm not proud that this is my thought process. I wish I could easily just think and do the right, mature thing, instead of having to squeeze and refine the answer from my pile of steaming bullshit that my brain cooks up. It makes me feel like a child masquerading as an adult. Instead of easily being able to think the right thing, I have to basically beat my brain into submission so that I don't make a fool of myself. I've been struggling a lot with that recently. Thinking childishly isn't a crime. Thinking selfishly isn't a crime. But even if I do the right thing in the end, I still admonish myself for not being able to do the right thing automatically. If I can't think like a good person, then obviously I'm a bad person that's pretending to be a good person. I'm doing good things, but I'm reluctant to do so, therefore I need to be burned at the stake.
Now I want to say that I understand that line of thinking is irrational, that doing good deeds even if you had to convince yourself into it is fine, but the idea of thought-crimes has embedded itself pretty far into my psyche. Thanks a lot, puritanical internet :/
Oh Jesus, I still haven't expanded on the so-called repression yet. So, is it repression if you know it's stupid and irrational? Like brains cook up some bullshit all the time. Not every thought needs to be verbalised and analysed like it reveals some deeper part of my subconscious. I think lending credence to every half-baked idea that exits the folds of my frontal lobe seems like a recipe for disaster, especially for my reputation. I think some shitty things sometimes, does that make me a shitty person? If I don't act on it, I suppose no? But what if I hold onto that idea in my mind subconsciously and it affects my conscious decisions without me knowing? Then I am a shitty person because I didn't unpack that fully? But I have so many of those thoughts all the time, I'd never be able to analyse all of it in my lifetime.
However, I digress. I think one of the issues I have with this idea that I need to be "truthful to myself" all the time. Specifically F used to really enforce it when I was going through a Bad™ time which I don't appreciate. I was already struggling with my thoughts and now I had my two best friends from university dangling their friendship over my head if I didn't tell them every batshit thought I had and then proceeded to judge me for said thoughts like they were my actual beliefs. So obviously, didn't make my situation feel any better. Truthfully, I still resent them for that because wtf was it for. 'Oh it was for your own good if you don't repress yourself' Yeah, but it wasn't repression, I wasn't quashing down fully-formed thoughts and opinions on the world, I was throwing out all the selfish, childish answers that don't represent me as a person.
So now I struggle with the idea of repression and if I do it. When I'm wrangling in my self loathing, is that me repressing how I truly feel about myself or should I embrace the self hatred because it's what I "instinctively felt". We'll see what the psychiatrist says when I go the psych hospital in a couple weeks. Yay.
Eh, a small price to pay to not be seen as a whiny, oversensitive little bitch that can't handle the tiniest amount of pushback. As I'm typing this, I literally just remembered that I have RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria). Ohhhhh so that's why I'm such a bitch and annoying to talk to ohhhh. But yeah, the version of myself that I present during times of conflict was filtered through several layers of "that's selfish, don't say that", "that's a childish response" and "you overdramatic bitch, it's not that deep". Because though my outward responses may be reasonable and measured, inside my head I'm kicking and screaming and cursing at them for hurting me, even if I hurt them first.
I'm not proud that this is my thought process. I wish I could easily just think and do the right, mature thing, instead of having to squeeze and refine the answer from my pile of steaming bullshit that my brain cooks up. It makes me feel like a child masquerading as an adult. Instead of easily being able to think the right thing, I have to basically beat my brain into submission so that I don't make a fool of myself. I've been struggling a lot with that recently. Thinking childishly isn't a crime. Thinking selfishly isn't a crime. But even if I do the right thing in the end, I still admonish myself for not being able to do the right thing automatically. If I can't think like a good person, then obviously I'm a bad person that's pretending to be a good person. I'm doing good things, but I'm reluctant to do so, therefore I need to be burned at the stake.
Now I want to say that I understand that line of thinking is irrational, that doing good deeds even if you had to convince yourself into it is fine, but the idea of thought-crimes has embedded itself pretty far into my psyche. Thanks a lot, puritanical internet :/
Oh Jesus, I still haven't expanded on the so-called repression yet. So, is it repression if you know it's stupid and irrational? Like brains cook up some bullshit all the time. Not every thought needs to be verbalised and analysed like it reveals some deeper part of my subconscious. I think lending credence to every half-baked idea that exits the folds of my frontal lobe seems like a recipe for disaster, especially for my reputation. I think some shitty things sometimes, does that make me a shitty person? If I don't act on it, I suppose no? But what if I hold onto that idea in my mind subconsciously and it affects my conscious decisions without me knowing? Then I am a shitty person because I didn't unpack that fully? But I have so many of those thoughts all the time, I'd never be able to analyse all of it in my lifetime.
However, I digress. I think one of the issues I have with this idea that I need to be "truthful to myself" all the time. Specifically F used to really enforce it when I was going through a Bad™ time which I don't appreciate. I was already struggling with my thoughts and now I had my two best friends from university dangling their friendship over my head if I didn't tell them every batshit thought I had and then proceeded to judge me for said thoughts like they were my actual beliefs. So obviously, didn't make my situation feel any better. Truthfully, I still resent them for that because wtf was it for. 'Oh it was for your own good if you don't repress yourself' Yeah, but it wasn't repression, I wasn't quashing down fully-formed thoughts and opinions on the world, I was throwing out all the selfish, childish answers that don't represent me as a person.
So now I struggle with the idea of repression and if I do it. When I'm wrangling in my self loathing, is that me repressing how I truly feel about myself or should I embrace the self hatred because it's what I "instinctively felt". We'll see what the psychiatrist says when I go the psych hospital in a couple weeks. Yay.
