:/

 Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because nothing seems to stick in my head. I live in constant fear that I've forgotten something (which I often have) and then I have to scramble to deal with those ramifications. I constantly have so many thoughts and things to follow through on but none of them can actually sit in my brain long enough that I actually remember to do them and it kills me. It feels like trying to hold sand in my hands but I can't quite shut my fingers all the way. It's so anxiety inducing, especially when I have my future and my mother breathing down my neck about it. 

I feel like I'm constantly fighting with my brain to remember to do basic tasks and it's worsened by the fact that I know from an outsider's perspective, I'm just lazy or I don't care enough, but I do care! I care a lot! I'm trying so hard, but it's barely enough. I don't know what to do anymore, it's all so overwhelming.

 

I hate people sometimes

I hate that I have to misrepresent myself so that people will misgender me less. I frequently have to declare myself a boy/man, but I'm not really. But I have to because so many fucking people can't seem to comprehend anything less than the gender binary, because if not a man then I must be a girl! No matter times I explain that, no, me being genderqueer does not equate to me being "girl-lite" and that I dislike being treated as such. Another symptom of this is how people refer to me: My pronouns are he/they. Very simple. HOWEVER, people take this as an opportunity to only use they/them and go out of their way to very carefully not mention the other half of my pronouns. My sister is the biggest culprit of this. It feels like they're skirting around their own transphobia, whether they realise it or not. At this point, I'm half-tempted to tell cis people my pronouns are he/him because clearly they're not mature enough to use the rest responsibly.

This is how it feels every time: